Lately, I have been unable to write….
Everyday I sit down at my laptop, bring up my book or bring up my blog and I just haven’t been able to word my sentences right, or make what I’m saying sound interesting, so I decided to go on a little, sudden break.
The break from writing my blog, gave me more time to finish editing my book Discover the Wood, but unfortunately, my head just got too stuck to even do that. I could force myself to write, but in the end it all just looked and sounded like trash, so I deleted a lot of it.
Each day I’ve been going back to my book, but I just can’t seem to get it right.
I think some of this is because of my health making a downward spiral into dark territories. Somewhere that I don’t want to be right now… but am.
It’s not fun.
Being honest with you readers, I just can’t get myself to be interested in anything lately. All I seem to be able to do is sleep but even that’s a no-no at the moment…
I know that if I’m given a job, or taken out for the day, that I will enjoy it and do my best to keep going and make the most of my time doing something, but at the moment, I don’t have those opportunities, giving me more time to be alone at home, and usually asleep.
For two months, I haven’t been able to finish a book, and that’s saying something!
I used to read books once or even twice a week. Now, I can barely get through half a book in two weeks before losing interest and giving up on it. Most of the books on my To-Be-Read shelf are now half read. I enjoy the book! I do! I just can’t get through it.
I was able to finish one video game lately ‘Night in the Woods’, I need to review it! I really do, because I frikkin loved that game. It took 12 hours to get through, and I played it over the course of three nights. But once that game was finished, I had no idea what else to do. I’ve been playing my other PS4, xBox 360, and PC games, but end up just getting stuck on a certain bit over and over again. I sit there for hours, just re-doing tasks because I keep dying or failing at them.
Lately, I’m even finding it hard to talk to people.
I’d rather be curled up in bed watching Netflix, as I just feel sad and stupid whenever I’m around people. I love the company, I really do, I just can’t seem to find anything to talk about, or come up with any contribution to the conversations. I just seem that way, and I know that that’s a source of depression, but it doesn’t help the fact that it’s happening and I can’t make it go away. I’m struggling just messaging people, because I’m convinced they don’t want to talk to me, or they’re only talking to me because someone else told them to.
Do you ever get nightmares that are SO vivid, that when you wake up you don’t even know if you’re in reality or a dream?
Yeah, I’m getting those every night, but what’s worse, is that they include people of my past that I really don’t want to think about. Every. Night. I see these people, and it hurts because I can’t control my dreams. I’m reminded of my mistakes and my lows every day because of these nightmares of the people who won’t leave me alone in my head. They’re not in my life anymore; these people never speak to me in real life, but they speak a hell of a lot in my dreams. It hurts, because these nightmares never seem to want to go away. If anyone has any suggestions on how to make them go away, do tell me!
This blog may be all over the place for a while, as I work out what the hell my mental and physical health are doing. It may take a while, as it’s a celebratory moment when I even get out of my pyjamas…
I am getting help. I’m seeing doctors. My parents keep me safe and my boyfriend is amazingly there for me a lot more than I ask for. I am safe, just in a very mixed up place.
I’m just going to leave this post here while I figure out my health, and get my hobbies and life back to normal. I don’t have a job or college or school to distract me, so I’m just trying to find ways to keep myself going at the moment until I get a job, or until September comes when it’s time to go to University.
Thank you all for reading.