Let’s Talk about Mail

Now hear me out, I understand this is a random thing to talk about as most of the population gets mail at least once in their life and its something quite typical where I’m from,  but honestly, for me, getting mail is a big deal.

Having a Chronic Illness and Mental Illnesses can be quite isolating, especially when most of the time I’m ill and in my room with the heating on, in my pyjamas watching YouTube videos because going outside is too painful. I don’t socialise much as everyone my age is going out getting drunk, or meeting up to drink late at night, or going out to eat, all of which I struggle with or can’t really do at all, so making friends it very hard.

A simple phone call, or even a card that’s not a doctor’s letter means a lot to me, and is such a surprise when I go down to the front desk on a day like today when my entire body feels like its in agony, and all I want to do is curl up in bed and watch crappy films, and then find five letters, two of which are from people other than my doctors, and then an order from Amazon, but that’s not as important as I was expecting that.

Getting mail is such an underrated way of communication, and to me one of the most meaningful.

Writing for me, has always been big part of my life, and when someone writes their emotions and friendship or love on paper or card, and hands it to me, it makes me feel so special, even if it is only for my birthday.

Now I’m sitting here with three doctor’s letters, two birthday cards for Saturday, and a new book and its actually cheered me up to have mail for once and have communication with the outside world.

My room can be so isolating, and getting mail can just make my day.

So next time you think about sending someone a text, think about maybe sending them a letter too. It’s something they can hold and cherish, instead of something normal and that flashes on screen.

Letters. Who knew they could mean so much?

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I Have Not Slept for 3 Weeks

The title is pretty self explanatory, and I am so tired!

When I was younger I used to have REALLY bad insomnia and go weeks at a time without sleeping. I would spend my nights reading, tidying, writing, anything but what I was meant to be doing – sleeping – just because I couldn’t settle and drift off.

Back then however I did not have Chronic Fatigue.

I had fibromyalgia and IBS, but they weren’t as bad back there for my exhaustion as they are now.

Now I’m exhausted constantly and always on the brink of sleep…. but I can’t sleep.

Thanks to some side effects popping up in the last year or so, the sleeping tablet that I have been on since I was 16 had to be stopped and I had to find a new tablet to take.

The Insomnia is too bad to not take anything at all, so medication is the only thing that can help me sleep.

So, the last 3 weeks I have been exhausted going from tablet to tablet, all of them not working as I’m waiting for ONE of them to help me sleep. ONE of them will take effect for more than one day, and I can actually get a full week’s sleep. But at the moment that is not the case, and I am trying every night to sleep. I am so so so tired, and failing miserably.

I’ve been very absent from this blog recently, and this is why. I’ve been trying to sleep, and too tired to even type.

Today I was told to up the sleeping medication I was last given that seemed to work better than the other tablets I’ve tried, so HOPEFULLY this tablet will take effect and I will FINALLY SLEEP!

Tomorrow is an exciting day as Ollie is getting home from London after being there since Wednesday so I am so excited to see him, and want to be well rested and not falling asleep on him.

So that’s what has been happening.

 

Becky x

I Went Home

This weekend on Sunday was Mother’s Day, so I went home for the weekend.

At first I told my parents that I couldn’t come up to see them as I’ve been ill, Ollie’s been ill and I can’t afford it, but because of a sudden turn of events that I won’t talk about that happened on Wednesday night, on Friday night, I called up my mum in tears in complete homesickness, anxiety and just plain sadness. I cried and cried telling my mum that I wanted to come home and see my family, that I missed them and my dog, and I just wanted to come home please.

So my parents told my that they’d pay for my train fair, and help with my journey on the way home on the Sunday. I obviously was very excited after that as I had thought that this weekend I was going to be sitting in my flat, alone I might add as Ollie had gone back to London, and be crying my eyes out as the rest of my family had a nice meal without me.

Saturday morning after a night with no sleep, I packed a bag and got on a train back to London as soon as I knew it was an appropriate time to travel, jumping up and down on the platform as I waited for my train.

I sat on the train with anxiety high, but my twitter and boyfriend on my phone as I bounced between the two, texting and updating my feed. I also listened to my Feel Good Playlist on my phone which I realised REALLY needed updating as it has songs on there that I’m not all that keen on anymore, or just don’t really listen to.

When I got to my Home Station, my parents picked me up and we whizzed home, where I was introduced back by the dog.

Lucy, my cocker spaniel, would NOT leave me alone. She kept jumping up at me, barking at me, wagging her tail at my feet, clearly happy that I was around. We had a play in the garden, playing with the football but then I had lunch with my family so the playing had to stop.

The rest of the day was lovely relaxing with my mum and dad, and for a long time in a while (Which I will talk about in another post), I slept a solid sleep from 10pm-4am.

4am I was awake, groggy and grouchy that I wasn’t still asleep, but awake nonetheless. I waited in my bed watching YouTube until it was 7:30 to go down to the kitchen to find my mum with a cup of tea and breakfast. I used to LOVE coming downstairs to make my cup of tea in the morning and just find my mum and Lucy in the kitchen already, and then proceed to talk her ear off about how I didn’t sleep or how bad my dream was. I took it all for granted, as coming downstairs this morning it was such a nice feeling seeing mum there, and I talked and talked about how I slept only until 4am. Admittedly I did up my sleeping meds, and I would NOT recommend doing that as it can be dangerous, but I was dangerously close to going insane and was already not functioning having missed 3, nearly four weeks of sleep. I was ready to do anything in order to sleep!

I was so ready for the day with that cup of tea in my hand, and planned to go into town as my parents went to church, and even buy a nice little something for mother’s day, and something for my sister’s birthday that is tomorrow!

But that cup of tea whacked me in the face.

At 8am, I was back up to bed, tucked under, vowing to only have a half an hour nap before showering and getting ready to go shopping, but then sleeping through my alarm and waking up half asleep to my mum asking if I was still going to town.

I wish I had jumped out of bed and said “Yes, I’ll just shower, get changed and be ready to go. So sorry I fell asleep again for so long!”

But instead I said something along the line of, “No. Sleep.” and then fell back to sleep again.

I woke up shortly after feeling stupid, and jumped out of bed searching high and low but my parents had already left, leaving me alone.

So I went about my morning, showering, doing my makeup, getting dressed before going down to the front room to text Ollie, light a candle and then read. It felt so nice to just sit in the front room again and read. I missed it.

Lunch came, and so did the family.

My Granddad was picked up by my mum which was amazing as I wasn’t expecting to see him at all! My sister Suzy arrived first, and we were about to watch Masterchef together when the parents arrived back with our Granddad. Then my sister, Lizzy and her husband, Josh – my brother-in-law – turned up, and soon the clan was back together, minus the boyfriends from Suzy and me, but we were mainly all together.

I think this day was the happiest I had felt in a long time, seeing all my family in one place and able to chat to them, catch up with them, and have us all eat a meal together and just share love. It all felt so warm, real and lovely. I loved today so much!

But of course a great day always has to end, and after dinner and a sit down with a cup of tea, it was time for me to be driven to a station and for me to get on the train back to Southampton.

Sitting here now in my room in halls, I realise how much I miss home even more and I want nothing more to go back and be with my family again. I want to be able to stay the week, or the month or longer back at home. I miss waking up and finding mum in the kitchen, chatting to her as I drink my tea. I miss my Dad’s corny jokes and useful wisdom. I miss my sisters and brother-in-law and just chatting with them, and sitting around watching films or TV. I miss my Granddad and how he makes sure I never go without an animal picture in my life whenever he comes to see me.

I want to go back home, and part of me wishes I had picked a university that meant I could stay at home and learn that way, but part of me is also thankful for the individuality that I have now and the independence I have. I wouldn’t have gotten the full university experience if I had stayed at home and studied, but a lot of me wishes I had gone for better accommodation, but is also thankful I’m here because now I live with Ollie and even if I did have accommodation elsewhere I would probably be here anyway, living with him in his room most of the time.

Anyway.

I miss home, and I wish I had longer with them this weekend.

But now I’m back, and have university tomorrow, and have deadlines only a month away that I am SO not ready for.

I hope you are all doing well and had a lovely Mothers’ Day.

Becky x

Facing My Fears

As I have previously talked about in my posts two times ago, I mentioned my fear and dislike of the snow.

The snow here has melted away now, and lasted in the area for about three days, and I thought that I may stay in my room and stay away from the snow and the memories that follow it until this time.

That is until Ollie and my friends wanted to go to the pub.

The pub was about a twenty minute walk away, and I would have to walk through thick snow and a blizzard. Why they wanted to go to the pub, I don’t know, but I thought I would join them.

This meant going out in the snow.

I wrapped up warm – scarf, coat, hat and gloves – and then ventured into the snow.

And with good company, it was actually quite fun.

We acted like kids and had a snowball fight. We were going to make a snowman but didn’t have anything that we could decorate the snowman with so decided against the idea. We jumped in the snow, pushed each other in thick mountains of snow – my friend got covered in snow when Ollie pushed her into a snowy bush! It’s fine, she pushed him back into another bush.

Snow is glossy and cold, and magical in some way.

After avoiding it for 3 years, it was fun to face my fears and play around in the snow, but it also made my heart pound as, thanks to my PTSD, my head was filled with memories and flashbacks, but thanks to my friends and Ollie, they helped me through it and I actually enjoyed myself.

Next time it snows, I’ll make sure to get out there and play in the snow, and maybe I’ll get flashbacks, but I’ll just make sure I’m around people I trust will pull me out of my foggy mind and back to reality.

Thank you to my friends and wanting to go to the pub. It made me face my fears and I appreciate the support and help you all gave me.

Let’s just say, if you have a fear, Face it, but make sure you’re around people you trust who can help you if things get too much. You never know, it might not be too bad. Of course if the fear is a person, don’t face them as it could get dangerous! Just take care, and keep going.

I believe in all of you!

 

Becky x

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I’m Sorry

I feel at the moment, that my posts have been very depressing, and I apologise for that, it’s just how my state of mind is at the moment.

Although I’m out of hospital, and I feel as if living is actually worth it now, I still feel depressed and as if life is just droning on.

I wish I didn’t feel like this, and I wish that the happy little spirit in me would pop up more often, but its not. I’m listening to music, socialising, playing video games, playing with makeup, and yet I’m still feeling very low and drowned in a dark cloud. The things I once enjoyed just don’t send my heart singing anymore – even reading a new book.

I’m going to start poetry again I think. When? I don’t know, but I thought that maybe starting again would help me as it helped so much in the past, no matter how depressing those poems were.

I’m trying to socialise with my flat a lot more, and go out when they are instead of staying in my room on my laptop or playstation. Socialising isn’t something easy for me to do, and although sometimes I feel as if I come across as if it is, it really isn’t! So I’ve been starting with the basics and am trying to socialise with my already friends, a lot more. I stay in the kitchen longer than I usually have done, and I eat in the kitchen, and I actually go out clubbing or into town with them if they want me to come with them. I’m having fun, but I’m also a lot out of my comfort zone so I think sometimes I come across as unsociable when I’m on my phone in the corner of the kitchen, although I’m listening into their conversation and contributing when I have something to say. I also think that I could come across a bit happier when socialising, and I do try, although it is very hard to at the moment and I hope they understand that.

Emotions will get easier, and hopefully my health will too, but at the moment both are pretty damn poopy. I wish I was a naturally happy social butterfly, when really I’m a cat that likes to stay indoors in bed, away from people and only socialise when I’m in the mood. I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone one step at a time, and set that as the new norm for me, but its hard.

I will try and perk up, but I can’t promise it won’t be any time in the near future, as I just can’t right now.

Thank you for understanding and sticking with me.

Becky x

It’s Snowing

So, it’s snowing.

And I thought I’d be happy to see the snow, something that is so rare in England, and yet I’m staying in bed with the curtains drawn.

I have so many happy memories in the snow; building snowmen with my best friend; snowball fights with my friends; kissing my boyfriend in the snow as its fluttering down.

And yet all of those memories are with my eXes … ex boyfriend, ex friends, ex best friend.

Of course I have memories of me when I was younger with my friend, going round to her house every year it snowed for snowball fights, building snowmen and then playing gamecube in her living room with my sister and her brother. And those are really happy memories, and not with any of my exes, and yet those are so far away that all I can think about is what happened with the people that aren’t in my life anymore.

I’ve been in bed all day – besides a doctors appointment – and only just woken up properly to watch some Netflix… and it’s past five o’clock.

I blame the snow and the memories. It’s making me feel really crappy that I just want to stay in bed all day.

Okay, I’m going to go and watch Crazy Ex Girlfriend.

Type to you soon.

I am home!

I’ve been home for the last two days, taking the time to settle back into university life and back into my home in halls, which is why I haven’t updated you lot until now.

I was going to do a post every day while on the psych ward, but the wifi blocked so many things and there was barely any signal so I couldn’t post anymore since the first day, so I’m very sorry.

Since being in hospital I was able to reflect on a lot of things, and look around at my life and I realised how loved I truly am.

I got 50+ messages from my friends and family while in hospital and it made me feel so light and fluffy and loved, it was amazing. My Mental Health stayed shit, but a part of me felt safer on this earth and wanting to stay alive. It was incredible. It definitely helped me get discharged so soon.

Sitting here in my room at halls now, alone as Ollie has gone home for his own doctors’ appointments, I feel a bit lost, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t focus on my school work, I haven’t slept in five nights as my tablets have been messed around this week, and I’ve watched so many YouTube videos my head is buzzing.

I am however going out tonight with my flatmates, doing something that might calm my anxiety – dancing. I won’t be drinking much as Ollie isn’t around, so I’ll just focus on my friends, and most likely look after them as they get drunk.

I’m still watching YouTube videos, and I still feel lost, but hopefully I’ll sleep tonight and be able to snap back into University life soon.

Hopefully.

Until then, I hope you are all well.

Becky x